PLACES VINO ATTACKS

Another installment in the ongoing series:

'PLACES VINO ATTACKS'

In This Episode: VINO Attacks at CAS/His $$accountant's$$ office

CAS finds that UCI's Vinokourov fine is not valid - Kazakh will not have to pay year's salary for 2007 positive

"Alexandre Vinokourov (Astana) will not have to pay a fine equivalent to his then annual salary of €1.2 million as a result of his positive test for a blood transfusion at the 2007 Tour de France. According to El Pais, the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS) found against the International Cycling Union (UCI) and in favour of Vinokourov at a hearing in Lausanne on August 31..." MORE

COMMENTS: No Commentary Required, though one can imagine that CAS saw the image of VINO attacking underwater and decided that discretion was the better part of valor.

NEVERTHELESS, How it is that VINO is VINO and all others are pretenders, using the case of Danilo "Wannabe Killer" Di Luca as an example:

Di Luca (who gave himself the nickname " The Killer from Spoltore")

"...It is Di Luca's second doping suspension after he was already banned for three months in 2007 for being linked to the Oil for Drugs affair. CONI also announced that his initial fine of 280,000 Euro was being reduced to 106,400 Euro."

VS.

VINO (Алексaндр Николаевич Винокуров holds the rank of Colonel in the Kazakh Army - Қазақстанның Қарулы күштері Qazaqstannyñ Qarūly küshteri)

"...El Pais reports that the court found no legal basis for the UCI to fine Vinokourov a year’s salary. Ahead of the 2007 Tour de France, the UCI requested riders to sign a declaration entitled “Riders’ commitment to a new cycling,” which stated that the riders who incurred doping suspensions of two years and upwards would be liable to pay a year’s salary as a contribution to the UCI’s anti-doping programme."

COMMENTS:  In case you don't get it, while Di Luca obviously has some value and celebrity in order to secure a reduction in his fine, to be VINO is to not be fined, and in fact, I expect that shortly the UCI will offer to pay VINO the amount it originally requested of him, in hopes that he won't attack Pat McQuaid in a more literal sense.

Lastly, during the 2007 Tour VINO was tragically misquoted:

"I am happy with my performance, I am finding my legs again. Now I want to attack in the Pyrénées."

should actually have read:

"I am happy with my performance, I am finding my legs again. Now I want to attack the Pyrénées."

The Joy of a Salesman (Warning: Language!)

A Fine Bromance: Schleck and Contador on the Col du Tourmalet

"Jacques Anquetil was the first cyclist to win five Tours de France; in 1961, he held the Yellow jersey from first stage to last. Anquetil was the first to win all three grand tours. He held the hour record. In 1965 he won the gruelling 557km Bordeaux-Paris, the day after taking victory in the week-long Dauphine Libere, an amazing achievement. His generally defensive racing style meant he was less successful in one day races, but even so he won Liege-Bastogne-Liege, considered by many to be the toughest of the Classics. Anquetil was imperious, uncoubtedly the strongest rider of his era. Yet he was never world champion, despite finishing in the top ten on six occasions. Why?

In Master Jacques, Richard Yates argues that it was spite that ensured Anquetil would never win the world title. His rivalry with Raymond Poulidor was so intense that he spent more time preventing Poulidor from winning the world title than trying to win it himself. In other words, it was more important to Anquetil to stop his rival from being world champion than to be world champion himself.

It’s incredible that a great athlete would pass up the opportunity of winning one of the most prestigious titles the sport has to offer for the sake of personal animosity. Yet there it is. Anquetil hated Poulidor; he couldn’t bear it that the French public loved Poulidor, the loser, more than he, the imperious winner. It was jealous, small-minded and magnificently petty. One of the great cycling images is of the two men riding elbow to elbow up the Puy de Dome in the 1964 Tour, neither giving an inch, neither allowing the other to have even half a wheel. Riding like that was to neither man’s advantage. Yet it’s as compelling a moment as the sport has to offer; it is the essence of sport.

Schleck and Contador climbing for almost certain victory on the Tourmalet in this year’s Tour could – and should – have been as compelling. But there was – there is – something missing from this rivalry: spite. We came close, in stage 15 when Contador powered on as Schleck dropped his chain and seized the yellow jersey. Many argued that this critical counter breached a basic convention of the sport – you don’t attack the yellow jersey when he suffers an accident or a mechanical. Schleck was furious, Contador at first indifferent as he celebrated taking the race lead at the end of the stage. For a few gossip-filled hours, the rivalry seemd to light up. Then Contador apologised, Schleck accepted and we were back to the fine bromance that reached its pinnacle with the stomach-turning spectacle of Contador patting Schleck’s face for just a little too long after gifting him the Tourmalet stage..."

Read more of "A Fine Bromance: Schleck and Contador on the Col du Tourmalet," at The Fixed Factor, here.

VeloRiders UK says, "No Soup for You!"

In 2004, one of Vino's current teammates and I fought each other to a draw, Costa Rica Combat-style, just past the finish line of an intermediate stage of the Tour of Chile. After being thrown in jail and kicked out of the race, we both agreed we'd let our frustration with the race boil-over into an inappropriate, personal conflict with severe consequences. Lesson-learned, and I doubt either of us will ever forget the incident.

So, while it's entirely possible that I misbehaved myself or, like esteemed-champion-turned-back-stabbing-villain Alberto Contador (for his treasonous abandonment of VINO's Astana squad) violated some unwritten rule of decorum, I was nevertheless still surprised to find myself banned by the UK cycling forum VeloRiders, and my account deleted. Honestly, I can't recall even a single time I'd even posted there.

When I tried to re-register, my email address was accepted, but then, without warning, like some Nazi Grammar agent refusing entry to the cinema by those who spoke in dialect, the site halted my registration because I apparently used a "Forbidden Word."

It's one thing to talk about me. It's another thing to do it behind my back and then lock the door on me! lol

(And contrary to one theory posited on Twitter, I've definitely been banned - it wasn't a question of not being allowed to register initially because of some mistaken identity or flawed threat-assessment. I definitely had an account there previously, but it was deleted, and my re-registration was blocked.)

Floyd vs. Lance

Previously two of the best US professional road cyclists and TdF winners - now locked in mortal combat on the Internet, TV, in print, within the Forums and on blogs like this one. Both cheated and lied - but only one will emerge victorious, having told the Truth, and not just his version of it. With so much at stake:

What is the difference between Floyd Landis and Lance Armstrong?

One said "It's not about the bike". 
The other said, "Where the hell are all the bikes??"

Read more here via the Forums at Cyclingnews.

Floyd and Lance Quotes Game

How to play: just find any picture featuring Lance Armstrong and his former-sidekick-turned-Nemesis Floyd Landis and invent a witty exchange of dialogue. Guaranteed minutes of fun for the entire family.

Backdated-TUE not available for the humor-impaired.

Chatting with USADA

USADA to ME:

"The deadline for your Q3 2010 Whereabouts Filing is tomorrow June 30, 2010.

USADA’s office hours are from 8 a.m. - 5:00 p.m. (MST). USADA will not be available to assist athletes with their username or password information after business hours. To ensure your success in completing your Q3 2010 Whereabouts Filing prior to the June 30th deadline, we encourage you to log on immediately to complete your USADA pool requirements in advance of the June 30th deadline.

To submit your Q3 2010 Whereabouts Filing, you will need to log into your USADA Online Account at https://www.usantidoping.org/athletes/login.aspx. If you have lost or forgotten your log-in information, please do not hesitate to contact USADA."

ME to USADA:

"..Athlete's residence is a single-family multi-story home with primary point of entry at front (NORTH) of house on first floor. However, there is NO functional doorbell or other notification system anywhere at the residence. Therefore, it is crucial that the DCO knock FORCEFULLY and REPEATEDLY on the front door in order to attract the attention of a resident. If unsuccessful, DCO should attempt to raise the athlete by phone (xxx) xxx-xxxx in case he is far from the front door and does not hear the knocking. Alternatively, DCO can circle to the rear (SOUTH) of the house, and identifying the second-floor bedroom window on the RIGHT (EAST) side of the home, should begin throwing pennies or other coins at the window in an attempt to roust the athlete, or otherwise attract his attention."

Leipheimer Quits Radioshack, Resigns with Astana

In the space of just a few paragraphs during the Tour of California's Stage 3 race report (via cyclingnews.com), Levi Leipheimer apparently quit the Radioshack squad and resigned with Astana.

What Goes Around Comes Around - Mark Cavendish Edition

This is what I get for making fun of dentally-challenged Mark Cavendish - I need at least two root canals and am going to be off the grid for a bit, it seems.

For the confused amongst you, ProTour field-sprinter extraordinaire Mark "I am God and He is ME" (ex.news headline: "How Sprint King Plans to Rule the World") Cavendish has had a quiet season thus far because, according to him, he suffered massive complications from emergency dental work. Complications that wrecked his preparation and actually brought about negative changes in his body (ex. he lost lean muscle mass).

And I made fun of him and wondered if he hadn't gotten what he deserved (which was a kick in the pants from Life to knock him back into reality).

And so this morning, after biting into a nut-filled granola bar, I thought I'd detonated a crunchy-snack-bomb (aka the "C.S.B.", the bastard brother to the I.E.D.) - so hurt my mouth, and two teeth in particular. Quick back-story - my dentist died a couple of years ago, and while I'd kept up my spectacular home-based oral hygiene routine, some major life crises [about which you're now aware...] distracted me and kept me from forming a relationship with a new dentist with whom I felt comfortable. And if enough time goes by, Life makes you get out and find a new dentist. Sigh, how pathetic to be reduced to writing about one's brushing habits...screw that! To shift the spotlight somewhere else, let's quote Cav' from Paul Kimmage's best interview ever:

“My saliva glands were like grapes,” he says. “My palate was massive. I couldn’t shut my mouth [André Greipel could probably tell us a thing or two about that...]. I couldn’t eat. It was pushing up my tongue and I couldn’t breathe. I was crying like a baby. The team doctor and the dental nurse had to hold me in the chair as the dentist cut [my gum] and got the pus out. I almost passed out with the pain. I was on antibiotics for 10 days and they wiped me out. I had diarrhoea. I couldn’t eat. I was lying in my bed for days and lost so much weight. I couldn’t train for three weeks and lost so much muscle that it knocked me right back. If I could turn back time, I would stick with my teeth [laughs]. I am not normally vain but that was the one thing that got me.”

Tom Boonen Laments Not Signing an Endorsement Deal with GE Aviation

Boonen asks a question of his own during the post-race interview:

Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday

Scientists Successfully Teach Gorilla It Will Die Someday

Good vs. Not Good in (Weather) Prognostications

UPDATED: Boonen Caption Contest

The best caption for this photo wins a pair of summer cycling gloves or something else from my kit bag (which, you'd be well advised to note, contains nothing on the WADA banned list!). Regardless of quality, if anyone submits an entry, I'll publish it below the "entry form," below. lol

I got a good laugh from:

And:

Totally Politically-Incorrect, but...

Keep 'em coming!

Most Misleading Blog Headline Ever

Yes, it was a global conspiracy led by the French to deny America her 8th-consecutive Tour de France win. It wasn't really just a case of a guy leaving a testosterone patch on for too long, or spreading too much T-gel on his shoulders or abdomen.

Charlie Brooker - How to Report the News

H/T Flick.

Who Gives a Crap What a Sound Editor Does?

The Colbert Report	Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Recap - Week of 3/8/10
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For My Next Birthday, I Want This and That and Those!

Armstrong, Papp, McQuaid, Levi, others in As the Toto Turns (includes special beat-down to Michael Ball)

Notoriety is not the same as fame, but neither is it infamy. With that in mind, Pappillon has no qualms reporting that our own Joe Papp finally appears in the world-renown satirical cycling editorial cartoon, "As the Toto Turns," for his cryptic and, at times, confusing, role in the fight for clean sport.

Papp is referenced this week in the strip "UCI Tip Line," where, in the final frame, UCI President Pat McQuaid (an Irish compatriot of Papp's) takes a phone call from an obviously-conflicted Levi Leipheimer:

"UCI tip line. If you see something, say something. Press 1 to pledge a donation. Press 2 if you're Joe Papp. Hang up if you're Michael Ball."

Pappillon has enjoyed Toto since the beginning (see here and here for previous posts, including the famous "Yellow Jersey Gap"), and despite the unfortunate news release that that brought Papp into the strip, we appreciate the chance to laugh and smile and look forward to future Toto appearances.

To see "UCI Tip Line" frame-by-frame, and peruse the entire Toto archive, visit VelocityNation.com.

Meanwhile, we couldn't resist reprinting our favorite Toto:

Playing Golf in Heaven

There is something essentially absurd about the pursuit of sporting perfection, because when sport gets too easy it becomes increasingly pointless. One of the most satisfying of sports jokes also happens to be about the tribulations of playing golf in heaven.

One day, St Peter and Jesus decide to play a round, and St Peter, who has bought all the latest equipment, tees off. He hits a lovely drive, straight down the middle of the fairway. Jesus, who is dressed in a miserable smock and playing with some old wooden clubs, hooks his tee-shot and it’s heading out of bounds. But then an angel appears from nowhere and bats the ball back into play with one of its wings. Down swoops the dove of peace, who catches the ball in its beak and flies all the way to the green, dropping it just in time for the Holy Spirit to come up and blow the ball gently into the hole. St Peter turns to Jesus with a sigh. “Do you wanna play golf,” he says, “or do you wanna fuck around?"

--by David Runciman * The Observer, Sunday 10 January 2010

Did Landis Threaten to Write Tell-All Book if no Support Comes from Armstrong? Warning: Contains Attempted Humor

According to a former professional cycling team director who spoke on the condition of anonymity, Floyd Landis may have issued a barely-veiled public threat to write a book exposing [enter your scandalous topic of choice here]. For example: "Floyd Landis may have issued a barely-veiled public threat to write a book exposing what could be his knowledge of less-than-ethical behavior on at least one of his former teams - most likely, Lance Armstrong's old USPS squad." (Of course, the topic of the hypothetical book is mere speculation at this point, as Landis has not revealed who or what would motivate him to again put pen to paper. As an aside, anyone else notice that used copies of "Positively False," which listed at $24.95 new in hardcover, are now fetching $0.88?).

After a race in the Bahamas in which he bested an individual time trial course record set by current Garmin pro and US National Time Trial Champion David Zabriskie (a teammate of Landis' at USPS and a former holder of the yellow jersey in the Tour de France), Landis first touted his "victory." On his blog Brown Eye, Neil Brown quoted an exuberant Landis:

"I beat the course record set by Zman [David Zabriskie] two years ago and I was on somebody else's road bike with clinchers and no aero clothes. Take that f@*#ers!" 

Pappillon applauds the rider who once won such cycling monuments as Paris-Nice, the Tour of California and the Tour de Georgia (all in 2006 - the same year he "won" the Tour de France, only to be stripped of his crown for doping) for his successful comeback and a return to his winning ways - and for raising the profile of the Bahamas cycling scene along the way! But victory in that TT  may not be enough to ensure Landis's return to the European pro peloton.

Before Landis left for the Tropics, Brown asked him what might become of him in 2010, given that Michael Ball's Rock Racing, the team he had been rumored to join, was rejected for Professional Continental status by the Union Cycliste Internationale without comment (after Rock appealed an earlier rejection of that same application!).

Brown specifically asked Landis, "What is the status for the rest of the year?" to which Floyd responded cryptically:

"I honestly don't know. I don't know even if Ball has thought about the team these last two weeks. I don’t know what is going on. I’m focusing on my training and my bowling. I need to think of my future after cycling and bowling might be it.”

Perhaps stating the obvious, Brown commented that "After the Tour of the Bahamas his [Landis's] future is not so crystal clear." He goes on to quote Landis delivering either a shot across the bow of some of the most moneyed interests in cycling, or engaging in nothing more than what one commentator here described as gallows humor about his cash-flow situation and poor future prospects [in cycling]. But let's hear Landis's own words:

"I have no clue what's going on. After the Tour of the Bahamas I'm going back to my shack behind the car wash. Maybe I'll write a book."

Keeping in mind that Landis broke terminated a contract for 2010 with his previous team in order to sign with what he thought would be an upgraded version of the Rock Racing squad (at the UCI Pro Continental level) - only for the UCI to deny team owner Michael Ball the required license - others are speculating that that, if not offering gallows humor, Landis may be warning his former leader Lance Armstrong, who now captains the team known as "The Shack" (which is sponsored by US electronics-retailer Radio Shack) that he expects some help from the Texan in exchange for his years of silence on the topic of doping, blood bags and motor cycle couriers at USPS. [We publish an excerpt from the infamous Vaughters/Andreu IM conversation at the end of this post.]

According to our source, the now-retired team director, the message Landis may have actually intended to deliver to his exclusive audience was:

"Hey, you cock-knocker, I covered your ass [by refusing to acknowledge the existence of doping in the pro peloton after I tested positive in 2006 when I won the Tour de France and was suspended for two years]. Now get the UCI to approve [the Pro Continental license request for] Rock Racing, or get me on Radio Shack, or [get me] something [equivalent that will pay me a salary capable of sustaining me in the lifestyle to which I'd become accustomed to as your domestique]. Floyd must eat - don't make me write a tell-all book to be able to do so [that is, purchase food]."

Oh My. Will Landis rejoin Lance at "The Shack?" Pappillon doubts it, though we wish Landis well and think the spectacle of his returning to the Continent alongside some of the most notorious riders of the past 10 years would be nothing short of - surreal. A veritable rolling peloton of Pablo Picasso paintings, if you will. And as for Rock Racing, without a Pro Continental license the project is as good as dead.

[DISCLOSURE: Pappillon's Joe Papp directed the Rock Racing team at the 2007 Redlands Classic, where Kayle Leogrande won the points competition, after having been offered full-time employment from Rock & Republic to direct the team for the remainder of the season. However, the offer was rescinded without cause and Frankie Andreu hired instead. Andreu himself departed the team in January 2008, unhappy that his role as a director was being undermined.]

Excerpt from an instant message between Frankie Andreu (FDREU) and Jonathan Vaughters (Cyclevaughters) the morning of July 26, 2005.

...Cyclevaughters: from how floyd described it, i know exactly the methos

FDREU: explain that, classics to climber

FDREU: when did you talk with floyd

Cyclevaughters: i don't know - i want to trust George

Cyclevaughters: but the thing is on that team, you think it's normal

Cyclevaughters: or at least i did

FDREU: i guess. anything with blodd is not normal

Cyclevaughters: yeah, it's very complex how the avoid all the controls now, but it's not any new drug or anything, just the resources and planning to pull of a well devised plan

Cyclevaughters: it's why they all got dropped on stage 9 - no refill yet - then on the rest day - boom 800ml of packed cells

FDREU: they have it mastered. good point

Cyclevaughters: they draw the blood right after the dauphine

FDREU: how do they sneak it in, or keep it until needed

FDREU: i'm sure it's not with the truck in the frig

Cyclevaughters: motorcycle - refridgerated panniers

Cyclevaughters: on the rest day

Cyclevaughters: floyd has a photo of the thing

FDREU: crazy! it' just keep going to new levels

Cyclevaughters: yeah, it's complicated, but with enough money you can do it

FDREU: they have enough money. Floyd was so pissed at them this entire tour

Cyclevaughters: anyhow - i just feel sorry for floyd and some of the other guys

Cyclevaughters: why would lance keep doing the shit when he clearly has nothing to prove - it's weird...